Why did we get married and why do we want a divorce now?

The statistics are solid. 50% of all marriages fail. The numbers are much worse for second, third or later marriages. But why? Why did we get married in the first place. Ask yourself the question and you will get a response along the following lines:

Love: The simple answer is ‘love’. We fall in love with someone and want to spend the rest of our lives with them. But science tells us that emotions change over time. So why do we keep making these decisions?

Financial reasons: Benefits such as tax breaks, shared housing, etc. Two incomes are better than one, right?

Legal reasons: Parental and property rights, hospital visitations, caregiver decisions etc. Why not make life a little easier, eventually the laws make things easier when married.

Religious/spiritual reasons: As a species we are still largely moved by our spiritual needs. In simple terms, it is God’s will so we will do it. It is a religious commitment.

Societal expectations: Much more so in immigrant and rural communities, social expectations and pressure impact our decisions to get married. Perhaps it is the fashionable thing to do and there comes a point in life where not wearing a gown is similar to the fear of missing out on the latest tech trend.

 
Let’s be honest, when we are in the spotlight, we don’t think about the dark days to comeand no one thinks about an inevitable future of divorce when getting married. But it happens anyway. So why do we get divorced?

No more love: Is that so? Or was what we thought of as love was similar to our desire for the latest model of the car we wanted to have. Perhaps consumerism is mostly felt in relationships. We tend to grow apart after a while and are no longer incompatible.

Hormones: Often ignored or overlooked, what defined passion in a relationship in the first place was driven in large part by our hormones and need to explore a new adventure of getting to know and love someone. We get older and our hormones get messed up.

Found a better one: Really? Yes in the era of short attention spans and infinitely connected world, we are more than likely to meet someone who is a better fit for us. Intellectually, spiritually, physically etc.

The emotional overload: It is true. As life gives us more responsibilities, the weights on our shoulders get heavier and heavier. Pretty soon our partners’ daily demands become a mental burden and perhaps even an economic one. In short,  the emotional burden of our partners begins to outweigh the benefits of their presence. The end result is an elevated state of conflict, arguing leading to lack of commitment, infidelity, and lack of physical intimacy and eventually an irretrievable breakdown of the relationship.

We can find more reasons and make a case for each argument but ultimately we lose our connection with the most beloved people, our lovers. So how come some marriages do not fall apart despite everything that we can think of are also valid for them?

Not enough upside to risk things: A small percentage of marriage couple are truly the best fit for each other and they are happy. Usually, they are good enough for each other and it is not worth shaking a happy family in search of a better fitting one. You may argue we also develop a habit of being married and we are simply too lazy to changes something that doesn’t bother us that much.

Kids: Aaaah yes, Here comes our softest spot. The things we put up with for our kids. Which one is better? Continue with a problem marriage in order not to deprive the kids of an intact two-parent family or have the kids live in two separate but happy-er houselholds.

Shame: Public pressure or religious commitments make people stay in a not so happy relationship. Social stigma of being a divorcee is still too large to ignore.

Uncertainty or fear: We don’t really know what is waiting for us in our new lives after marriage. It is like going to planet Mars. Are we going to be able to come back? Will we survive the unknown? Everyone in a problem marriage has some form of trauma but some of have a much more manageable level of this and choose to stay in our marriages.

Finances: There isn’t enough money to support two households and couples are not willing to risk their living conditions with added distress of a divorce.

Guilt: Yes, we are pre-programmed to feel guilty when we desert someone that values us. We don’t want to knowingly hurt or abandon a partner when they need us the most.

External shocks: You don’t think about a divorce in the middle of a war or worldwide pandemic. You actually reconsider your life’s choices and perhaps give it a second, third, fourth or a millionth chance.

It is not always fun: We tend to remember the good moments in our marriages more. We focus on the joyful memories that are spread out between troubling ones and we choose to put up with our marriages even though they are not always good.

Things will be better: Humans are optimists. We are good at finding excuses for things that do not go well in our marriages and we have a never ending stamina to believe once X happens, we will be happy again.
 

What we believe is that every marriage deserves an annual check-up. An early intervention saves relationships that deserve a second chance. If you are too late to intervene, it is better to cut things off swiftly and sharply, and do this with proper care, honor and mental energy to continue life with the least amount of disruption for everyone involved. Sounds too much like treating a cancer. Right? That is why we exist!